A Woman Seeking to Know Her God on a Rollercoaster of Discontent
Without hesitation, the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about Macy Jahns is joy. She radiates it, effortlessly, and I think sometimes without her even knowing it. She is selfless in the way that she loves and cares for others, always putting them first, and she is intentional about spreading the love of Christ. But, my favorite thing about Macy, is she’s real. Real enough to encourage you and real enough to understand the hard parts of life. I’ll leave you with her words below as I’m thankful for her joy and realness that without a doubt have stemmed from her seeking the Lord.
Hi, Im Macy. I’m only 23 and married to absolute sweetest-kindest- most thoughtful husband whom I'm absolutely infatuated with. I live in Houston (as of late- from a smaller town) where we explore restaurants and are always on search for FREE activities. I know people look at my marriage and think: Who gets to meet the love of their life at the age of 16 and get married at 21?! How can she complain??
Well I do. I’m a sinner. I get in modes of discontent. When I’m in one season I get frustrated at something and ignore God in a wait for the next season. I tell myself it will speed it up (HA). I tell myself let’s just numb out with TV, with working out, with sleeping, with studying, with making my husband my idol. Then, in the next season it will be easier and THEN I’ll dig in and listen to God. Welp. What that looks like is a rollercoaster: numbing myself out for an uphill climb to only drop low again, and usually lower with the next round. Or maybe an uphill with a new season, to end up saying “nahh, I don’t like this” and drop down.
Honestly I usually hear God in my “UGH! I’m falling again” moments, calling to me “my child, come to me, I want to comfort you, LET ME!” Yet I turn away and let myself be discontent.
Discontent that leads to doubt, that leads to anxiety, that leads to worry..then my emotional, spiritual and physical health dwindles.
Why do I rotate through this cycle? I have everything I need, right? Is this numbness addicting? Or is it out of fear? Because what if I lean into God now, what if I do and it’s something I’m fearful of?
Probably all of it.
I mean I did listen when He said move to Houston...I deal with the traffic..so shouldn’t I receive something? (so.selfish.it’s.embarrassing.)
The cycle. It has to be BROKEN. It's the on my knees, I need some peace, help me choose Joy, I want to overflow you, forgive me, kinda prayers. Its subbing my netflix for a book. It's running to worship songs not degrading music. It's admitting what’s going on to someone, which for me is the hardest part.
But, with our sweet Fathers push I did, I admitted and asked for help from a wise friend...through a text..so brave I know. (HA) She replied “I want to encourage you to read your Bible and listen to worship music even more right now. Especially when you don’t feel like it. These are the seasons when it’s so important for us to love and pursue God with our minds when our hearts and emotions don’t feel much.” Then it was suggested to read ‘Nothing to Prove’ by Jennie Allen (umm go read it right now if any of this is also affecting your life) and I shifted inside. She was talking about numbing out and I was like yes, that’s it, that’s exactly what I do! It’s a decision to walk away from that. It’s not one that I switched automatically over and was like yupp I’ll do this, great. It’s more of an easier choice each time I have to make it.
I did read the Bible even when I didn’t feel like it and it was Paul that spoke to me in his happiest letter in Philippians. He is writing this letter from a JAIL CELL, ya’ll. He’s writing to a group of Christian believers in the city of Philippi. In the middle of the fourth chapter he says (Philippians 4:11-13 - The Message) “Actually I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, which much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”
So in a Season of rollercoastering through quiet times, rollercoastering through discontent, rollercoastering through the conscious decision of choosing Jesus, choosing Joy.. I’m reminded to step back and think there’s no reason to NOT live now. Live it up, be happy, I HAVE CHRIST..don’t fear Macy, don’t numb out..choose Joy/fullfillment/peace in this season! Whether it’s in a situation like Paul, or on the happiest day, God is my recipe for contentment and I know every time I choose to make that decision, it will get easier, because that’s how good He is.
-by macy jahns
This post is part of the Summer of Seasons that Darcee and I are hosting. Our hope is that as others share about seeking God in their particular season of life, we would all be encouraged to know and love and seek after the Lord more in our daily lives.